The Shinobi's Guide to Television
by Kaori
Summary: It's the sequel to The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo and yet not. The teams get a mission to replace staff at a television station. What could possibly go wrong? Everything. Second Guide
1. Chapter 1

Some guy once said, "A man isn't poor if he can still laugh." While this is true in the spiritual sense I'd much rather have $20 in my pocket than a smile on my face when I'm hungry and don't feel like cooking.

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

"Say that again, I don't think I heard you correctly." Blinked Asuma. _At least I hope I didn't hear her correctly_.

The jounin instructors from teams 7, 8, and 10 were gathered in the Hokage's office to receive the details of their latest mission. Gai was not present as his team was currently out on a mission of their own.

"I said," Tsunade replied testily; she hated repeating herself. "that you and your students are going to temporarily replace some of the staff at the television station apparently there's been a series of… accidents and somebody needs to replace those people while the police run an investigation."

"And this is a B-class mission, why?" Kakashi asked, lazily.

"Because it invariably involves guard duty and anything involving guard duty gets ranked as class B no matter how stupid it is."

"Ah."

Later, with Team 7…

"No." Sasuke said curtly.

"But Sasuke," Sakura half-whined, half pleaded. "It's a B-class mission. You like B-class missions." _And it'll be the first one that doesn't involve us almost getting killed!_

"This can't be a B-class mission it's far too easy. Easy missions won't make me any stronger."

"For once I agree with Sasuke." Naruto piped up.

"Now, now." Placated Kakashi. "This is a good opportunity to test your adaptability. A ninja must be able to pass for an ordinary citizen after all."

"Konoha's television station is run by shinobi, Kakashi-sensei."

"Actually it's run by ninja academy dropouts so it's close enough."

"Greaat…" muttered Sasuke.

"Why do they need us to replace the staff anyway?" Naruto wondered aloud.

"It seems there have been…accidents and the studio figures if something happens to us they don't have to pay the insurance companies."

"We don't have life insurance." blinked Sakura.

"Exactly."

With Team 10…

"ALL RIGHT!" cheered Ino. Asuma had just given them the details of their mission. "Finally a chance to show the world what a beautiful and talented woman I am!"

"Like they'd put someone as loud as you on TV." Shikamaru mumbled. Ino smacked him upside the head. "And why am I being made to go? Technically I'm not part of this team anymore since I became a chuunin."

"Hokage-sama decided that someone responsible should help us keep the gennin focused."

"And she thought that Shikamaru was our best bet?" Ino was sceptical.

"Actually it's because she couldn't get a substitute to cover for Iruka at the Academy and she figures Shikamaru is too lazy to cause trouble."

"Ha!"

With Team 8…

"Woo hoo! We're going to be on TV!" Kiba was ecstatic.

"N..now Kiba-kun. Kurenai-sensei didn't exactly say that." Hinata stammered.

"You probably won't be doing any acting Kiba." Kurenai said. "If you're lucky, they may let you do some work on the set."

"You mean you don't know what they're going to have us doing?" asked Kiba.

"No, all we know is that we'll be replacing the dead and injured cast members."

"D…dead?" gasped Hinata, liking this mission even less.

"Apparently there have been…accidents." Shino raised an eyebrow at this.

Yes happy peoples the insanity is back! What kind of trouble could the gennin possibly get into at a television station? What are these "accidents"? Will Ino and Kiba get their wish to be on TV? Will Gai's Team be forced into this farce as well? Only time (and the author) will tell. Stay tuned!


	2. Chapter 2

Now on to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

The three teams were standing outside Konoha Television station (K-TV: All Ninjas, All the Time) "Is it too late to run off and become a nukenin?" asked Sasuke.

"Yes." Kakashi replied.

"Damn."

"Let's just get this troublesome thing over with." Sighed Shikamaru.

They entered the large building and walked over to the receptionist's desk. A young woman with narrow, gray eyes and curly black hair sat behind the desk. Her hair reminded the younger ninjas of a headdress and they regarded her with bemused looks; not because of her hair but because of what she was wearing. I mean, really, who goes to work in an evening gown and a feather boa. "Welcome to K-TV. What can I do for you today?"

"Err…good morning we're the replacements?" ventured Asuma.

"Oh yes, I was told we should be expecting some temp employees." The receptionist nodded. "The manager is waiting for you on the seventh floor. Go down the left corridor, take a right after the board room and it's the fifth door on your right."

"Thank you, miss."

"No, thank you. If you hadn't shown up I probably would be stuck here all day. Right now the receptionist is covering for the messenger, the messenger is covering for the janitor, the janitor is covering for the weather man, and the weather man is covering for the anchor man."

"What happened to the anchor man?" Kiba asked.

"He met with an…accident."

"What the hell is with this place and accidents!"

"If we knew that we wouldn't need to hire you."

"Grr…"

"Down boy." Quipped Sakura.

"Da dada dada dum dee dee dee dee…" sang Naruto, Ino smacked him upside the head. "Ow!"

"Enough with the elevator music already!" she growled.

Said contraption dinged and the twelve individuals stepped out of it. They made their way to the manager's office, went up to the door and knocked.

"Come in, come in! But mind the floor, it's booby trapped!" a cheerful voice said. The ninjas looked at each other, shrugged, and cautiously entered the room.

"Hey! There aren't any booby traps in here!" whined Kiba.

"You make that sound like a bad thing." mumbled Shikamaru.

"Well… I suppose I lied a little bit." The owner of the cheerful voice said. Sitting behind the desk was a man that reminded those assembled of Kabuto; in facial expression anyway. He was thin and probably only met Kakashi at the shoulder if he stood up. His hair and eyes were chocolate brown and he had his feet up on the table. "This room used to be booby trapped but with all the recent…accidents one can't be too careful." Kakashi noticed the very slight frown when he'd said the word "accidents."

"Are you the station manager?" Kurenai asked.

"Assistant Station Manager." The man said. "My name is Kawazoe Shun.. I'm assuming you are the temporary help Hokage-sama sent over?"

"That's us!" Naruto smiled. Shun smiled back.

"I'm so glad you're here! It's been quite hard keeping the station running since we're short staffed because of the…accidents."

"Let me guess, the station manager also had an…accident?" Ino was getting a little tired of hearing that word and even more so of the way people would pause just before they said it.

"Oh goodness, no, he's just on vacation." Shun laughed.

"Err…anyway can you tell us what we'll be doing here?" Sakura inquired.

"Well…" Shun began, the gennin's leaned in closer in anticipation. "How do you feel about acting?"

"We're going to be on TV!" squealed Ino and Sakura.

"Well, some of you are. You see, the regular cast…er…how do I say this..."

"Met with an…accident?" Naruto suggested.

"I suppose there's no getting around that." Sighed Shun. "Well along with the other people that have met with misfortune, the entire cast and crew of Nin-Nin Theater was maimed when all the studio lighting came crashing down on their heads. Everybody who wasn't crushed was electrocuted." The temporary employees all had horrified looks on their faces. "This wouldn't be quite so terrible if they hadn't died before they could finish filming for the day. 'Nothing worse than dying before you finish a mission' is what my dad used to say…" He rambled on a bit before Kurenai gave a slight cough. "Err…yes. Anyway, we'd like you to finish the filming for us if you don't mind. It's only one scene so you shouldn't have a problem with it."

"It's not like we have an option." Sighed Asuma. "If we don't do it we'll have failed to complete the mission and Hokage-sama will just send us back here until it's complete."

"Excellent!" Shun clapped his hands. "Head down to Studio Seven and the production manager will give you what you need."

"I just hope we don't meet with any…accidents." Naruto said.

"I just hope there's a food cart down there." Said Chouji.

How hard can it be to do one scene? Will there be…accidents? Will there be food? Will the author stop asking these stupid questions?

Very. Maybe. Yes. Of course not.


	3. Chapter 3

Foul villains, show thyselves! (sees the readers) Not you guys. You lot go read the fanfic..

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

Studio Seven was a dingy little hole in the wall that looked like it had seen better days; and it had. Despite the diligent efforts of the janitorial staff no amount of scrubbing could completely remove the stains from the walls and floor. On the upside, there was a nice selection of snacks on the refreshment table and Chouji immediately attacked it. The production manager, a perky little red head, quickly explained what they would be doing.

"Hi there! I'm Yamashita Miharu! I know the Shun-san told you you'd only be doing one scene, but the thing is we had a fire in the editing room this morning and now we have to shoot the whole episode all over again. Here are the scripts." She handed four to each jounin and assigned duties to everyone.

Shino, Chouji, and Shikamaru were to run the cameras; Asuma was put in charge of the lighting; Ino in make-up; Sakura in costuming; Kurenai and Kakashi were in the sound booth; which left everyone else as actors.

"Okay!" Miharu enthused. "The kid with the dog will play the part of Hikkado the Bandit King, the blonde kid will be Yahichi the Brave, the shy girl will play Princess Momo, and the constipated-looking kid will be Jun."

"It says here Jun is the princess' attendant." Sasuke scowled.

"Yes." the scowl deepened.

"Which means that Jun is a girl."

"Yes." the nerve above Sasuke's left eye started twitching.

"Why am I playing a girl?"

"Because you're the only one the costume fits." The twitching got worse.

"Are you saying I'm built like a girl?"

"No." Miharu said. "I'm saying you look like a girl."

Three…two…one…

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

Twenty minutes later…

"Get off of me." Mumbled Sasuke. After subduing the enraged Uchiha, Asuma had Chouji and Naruto sit on him.

"Do you promise not to try and kill Miharu-chan?" drawled Kakashi from behind his book. Sasuke gave an annoyed sigh.

"Miharu-_chan_?" Kurenai raised an eyebrow. Kakashi shrugged and continued to read.

"Yes, let me up already." Growled Sasuke. Once he was able to stand he and Naruto were shoved into the dressing room and then into makeup where Ino took her sweet time applying the stuff to Sasuke's face and styling his hair.

"You look cute Sasuke-_chan_." Cooed Kiba from the doorway.

"You're all dead when this mission is over." Sasuke swore.

"Hold still Sasuke-kun, I'll smear the lipstick if you keep talking." Chided Ino.

"Hey, are you almost done? We really need to get started." Sakura poked her head in the makeup room. "Ah! Sasuke-kun you look so pretty!" she blurted out before she could stop herself.

"THAT DOES IT! YOU ALL DIE NOW!" screamed Sasuke. WHACK! He fell unconscious.

"What did you do that for, Shikamaru! Now who's going to play Jun?" Naruto pouted while Sakura and Ino fretted over Sasuke.

"Relax, the script says that Jun is unconscious in this part anyway." Shikamaru said while putting away the prop sword.

Once everyone was in place, Miharu took a seat in the producer's chair.

"I hope I get paid extra for doing the director's job." She smiled. "Ready everyone? Aaaannd…action!"

The set was made up like a forest. Kiba, dressed in typical bandit clothing and looking very debonair, was holding Hinata (in a rather tight-fitting kimono) hostage. Sasuke (unconscious and in drag), was in an undignified heap at Kiba's feet and Naruto (wearing a cool blue and red kimono) was facing Kiba pointing a prop katana at the other boy.

"Filthy, evil, corrupt, pork-chop eating bandit! I, Yahichi the Brave, have been charged by the Emperor himself with the task of bringing you to justice!" Naruto was throwing himself into his role.

"Bah! A weakling like you has no chance against me, Hikkado! Bandit King!" Kiba was also enjoying himself a little too much. "If you take one step closer I'll kill the woman!"

"S…save me Yahichi-san…" whimpered Hinata. Her fellow gennins were finding it difficult to determine whether the stutter was acting or her usual nervousness.

"What a bunch of hams." Mumbled Ino and then proceeded to congratulate herself on Sasuke's makeup job.

"Are all the lines this bad?" wondered Kakashi.

"No, I read the script." Kurenai said. "The rest of the dialogue is even worse."

Filming progressed smoothly until Sasuke woke up in the middle of the fight scene.

"Oww…what hit me?" he groaned.

"Cut!" Miharu yelled. "Sasuke-kun you're supposed to be unconscious!"

Before Sasuke could say anything in his defence, there was a loud snapping sound and a pole that was holding up part of the rigging for the lights fell and landed on the set between Sasuke's legs. Seeing how close he came to being castrated, the raven-haired boy fainted.

"Yeah, just like that." Nodded Miharu; everyone else sweatdropped. "All right, we still have two more scenes to go. Get that pole out of there and let's get back to work."

Ten minutes later finished the fight scene only to have Hinata faint at the end of it. Apparently that tight kimono was a bit too tight and so they had to get the studio seamstress to adjust it and wait for poor Hinata to regain consciousness.

During the wait, Chouji managed to almost choke to death on donuts, Kakashi got electrocuted by the sound board, Sasuke regained consciousness only to be knocked out again by a studio camera that Shikamaru had fallen asleep leaning against. Through all of this, Miharu continued to smile and bark orders.

"Does nothing phase this woman?" Asuma wondered.

"Okay people, this is the last bit before we end for the day." Miharu said. "This is the love scene…" Naruto and Hinata both turned a shade of red normally reserved for tomatoes.

"L…l…love scene?" squeaked Hinata.

"Yes, but don't worry you won't really be kissing it's just a stage kiss." Ino, Kurenai, and Sakura looked mildly disappointed. "Ne, Hatake-san, may I borrow you for a bit?" Kakashi wandered over. "Now, Hatake-san you put your arm around my waist like so and place your other hand behind my head…good…now dip me back like we were doing a tango but with your back to the camera. Great…now lean in…" Kakashi did as he was instructed and from where everyone else was standing it looked like Kakashi was giving Mahiru a very passionate kiss. After a minute, the two stood up straight. "The trick is for the person doing the kissing, in this case Naruto-kun, to stand in such a way that the person being kissed is partially obscured. Then the person being kissed puts their hand, in your case Hinata-chan, your right hand, over your mouth so that even though it looks like he's kissing you he's just got his mouth pressed against the back of your hand. Get it?"

Naruto and Hinata (though still red in the face) both nodded.

"Good, places everyone!" Shino and Chouji woke up Shikamaru, and Kakashi and Kurenai returned to the sound room. "Aaaand….action!"

Looking very embarrassed, Naruto said his line. "Sweet princess, you are safe now."

"Yahichi-san…" Hinata stage-whispered, fighting the urge to run away in a fit of mortification.

In one fluid motion, Naruto dipped her back just like Kakashi had done and held the position until Miharu yelled, "Cut!" He stood up but didn't let go of Hinata, who had fainted again; he was also very noticeably very red in the face.

"Eh? Naruto what's the matter with you?" Chouji asked. Naruto didn't say anything for a while and then…

"Hinata forgot to cover her mouth."

Stunned silence and then…

"That was one hell of a kiss Naruto." Kakashi leered. They didn't think it was possible but Naruto got even redder.

Well that's it for the day. Will Hinata regain consciousness by tomorrow? Will Neji kill Naruto when he finds out? Has this little escapade into the world of crossdressing opened a door for Sasuke? Is Miharu on some sort of medication? We get the answers to at least one of these questions next time!


	4. Chapter 4

Land shark!

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

The following day found the three teams (minus the jounins who had been called out on a mission) back at the studio and forty-five minutes late because they had to find Sasuke and drag him out from under Iruka's desk. Why he chose there of all places to hide we may never know.

Hinata wasn't quite recovered from the excitement yesterday and would turn red from her ears to her toes whenever someone even mentioned Naruto. Despite this, she was being a good ninja and showing up for the mission. Everyone else was swearing in their heads that they were going to pass the next chuunin exam so they wouldn't have to do stupid crap like this for only three ryou a day. Besides, aren't there laws against things like this?

Shun was waiting for them in his office. "You're late." He said. "Oh well, better late than never I suppose. You'll be working the commissary today; several of the kitchen staff were killed in a freak accident yesterday. Something about knives and the studio's electromagnet…" The gennins and one chuunin grimaced as their imaginations took over. They almost missed

The commissary was just like any other cafeteria, except the food was better and there was no mystery meat special. The person they were reporting to today was an older woman who smoked constantly named Sarutobi Hachiko; apparently Asuma's great aunt on his father's side.

"All right younguns," Coughed Hachiko. "we need to get the caf' ready for lunch. If I catch any o' you slackin' I'll whoop you so bad your descendants will feel it, especially you Nara, don't think I don't know about you." Shikamaru twitched. The old woman took a drag from the hookah she was smoking and puffed out a smoke ring. "Right, I'm tired of looking at your stupid faces, get to work. Duty roster's on the bulletin board in the kitchen."

Not wanting to get whooped so early in the day (especially not from a retired ninja that leaked killer intent like a sieve and talked like she'd kill you without thinking twice about it), the nine young ninjas scrambled into the kitchen and examined the bulletin board.

"Hmmm… I suppose we ought to divide the duties." Sakura suggested. "I suppose I can do some of the cooking…"

"Oh no you don't, Forehead Girl! You just want to impress Sasuke-kun! I'm going to cook too and my food will be a hundred times better than yours!" challenged Ino.

"Dream on Ino-pig!"

"So troublesome…" sighed Shikamaru.

"Just for that you can wash the dishes!" snarled Ino.

"Aww man…"

"Don't worry Shikamaru, I'll help you." Chouji said, patting his friend on the back.

"Akamaru and I will serve the food I guess." Shrugged Kiba.

"No way, you'll just get dog hair in it!" Ino yelled. "You can clean the tables once people are done eating."

"I guess I'll serve the food then." Shrugged Naruto.

"No, you're too stupid. You help Kiba clean up the tables. Hinata can serve the food. Shino, you collect the money."

"And just what is Sasuke going to be doing?"

"Simple, Sasuke-kun can supervise."

"THE HELL HE WILL!" roared Kiba and Naruto.

"I agree." Everyone turned around to find Hachiko standing in the doorway. She leered. "I have a _special_ task for the pretty Uchiha there." She grabbed Sasuke by the back of his shirt and hauled him off to Kami-sama only knows where.

Two hours later, the remaining temps were busy slingin' hash and cleaning tables and there had been no sign of Sasuke or Hachiko anywhere.

"Where could he be!" wailed Ino. "You don't suppose that old hag dragged him off somewhere and is doing…things…to Sasuke-kun do you?"

"Ino, have you been drinking the cooking wine?" Shikamaru asked from his place near the sink.

"WHAT! SHIKAMARU NO BAKAYAROU!" she threw a bottle of soy sauce at him which he dodged by casually leaning to the left. The bottle broke harmlessly on the wall.

"Oi…you're cleaning that up."

"Ooooohhhh…." Fumed Ino making little strangling motions with her hands.

"Calm down, Ino I'm sure Sasuke's fine." Sakura said although secretly she was having even more wild (and somewhat perverted) thoughts about what Hachiko could have Sasuke doing. The only one not fooled by this act was Ino.

"Oh please, you're just as worried as I am."

"Maybe but I believe in Sasuke-kun."

"So do I!" Ino was getting very annoyed now and she accidentally knocked the bottle of kerosene oil used to fuel the oven onto the burner. Predictably a huge fireball erupted from the stove.

The towels hanging above the stove caught fire and soon so did the ceiling.

"Kyaaaa! Look what you've done Ino-pig!" shrieked Sakura.

"Gaa! It's your fault Big Forehead!" countered Ino.

"How do you figure that!"

"Both of you shut up and help us put out the fire!" Shikamaru growled as he and Chouji tried to beat the flames out with some aprons they found but it only seemed to make matters worse.

Meanwhile, in a little room near the janitor's closet…

"Oooohhh….that feels sooo good Sasuke-kun." Moaned Hachiko. "Harder…harder…faster…mmmmmm…." Sasuke gave a small grunt. "Oh yeah…right there…more….Aaahhh."

Several people who passed by the door were either violently ill or suffered terrible nosebleeds causing a disgusting, wet mess on the floor which in turn became the cause of about fifteen slip and fall accidents.

Back to the blaze, Hinata and Shino noticed the kitchen fire and ran off to find a fire extinguisher. Kiba and Naruto, evacuated the cafeteria and kept people from coming in. Once the fire extinguishers had been found the fire was put out, but the kitchen was completely destroyed.

Hachiko and Sasuke returned to what was left of the kitchen. The old woman was still smoking her hookah but looked _much_ more relaxed. Sasuke wouldn't stop twitching for some reason. "Ah, Sasuke-kun, you were great." The twitching got even more violent. "Really, you give a damn good foot massage. I wasn't sure you'd do so good with all my corns and bunions and all." Sasuke looked like he was going to be ill. It was about then that Hachiko noticed the kitchen. "Not again." She moaned. "Oh well, at least nobody's dead. Come on you slackers, back to work. Clean this mess up now. Come along Sasuke-kun, it's time for my sponge bath." Sasuke (and the other young ninjas) fainted.

Yeah, I know, I'm an evil woman… and you love me.


	5. Chapter 5

Okay…I've made up my mind. I have decided that I'm not going to deliberately torture Sasuke in this chapter. I'll just briefly allude to it… (sigh) I don't like this chapter already.

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

Once again they were at the television studio only this time, things were a little different…

"There are some more of you missing today. Did something happen?" asked Shun in that irritatingly light-hearted tone he always uses.

Sasuke was too traumatized from yesterday's fiasco to be of any use to anyone, so they sent him to the rest home for the day (with pills and electroshock therapy). Ino and Sakura, distraught over their precious Uchiha, had opted to try and break into the rest home and personally nurse Sasuke back to health (and ended up joining him in electroshock therapy and the journey through happy, drug-induced coma land). The jounins weren't back from their mission yet and their students were beginning to wonder if they were deliberately taking their time so they wouldn't have to come back to the studio.

"Oh well, I don't need that many of you anyway." Smiled Shun. "Today you'll be replacing the news staff as they all somehow managed to get into an accident near Hachiko-san's office."

"I knew we should have cleaned that up…" muttered Kiba.

"No you didn't you were the one who said we should leave it to the janitor." Chouji muttered back. Shun either didn't hear what they said or care as he didn't comment but sent the group down to Studio Four where the producer and his assistant were waiting.

"Eh, they sent me a bunch of brats?" the producer, a big man with an interesting hand-shaped scar on his face, said. "Next thing you know we'll have dogs workin' here." Kiba twitched which didn't go unnoticed by Watanabe. "Bah. Whatever…" he walked off grumbling to himself.

"Don't mind Watanabe-san, he's always like that." The younger man sighed, adjusting his glasses. "I'm Morino Rai by the way."

"Morino…" Naruto wrinkled his nose. "Why does that name sound so familiar?"

"Hey, wasn't one of the examiners from the Chuunin Exam a Morino?" asked Chouji.

"Yeah…" drawled Shikamaru, and then he blanched when he remembered exactly who they were talking about. "Don't tell me you're related to that psychopath, Ibiki!"

The others blinked at the nice, normal young man standing before them and tried to mesh it with the sadistic, evil-looking Ibiki and couldn't consolidate the image.

"Oh, you know my cousin then?" Blinked Rai. "Ibiki's really not as bad as his victims make him out to be."

"Riiighht…" drawled Kiba, not believing that for a moment.

"What's up with that guy's face?" Naruto asked.

"Eh? You mean the handprint?" Rai asked, the temps nodded. "Well, don't tell him I told you this but when Watanabe-san was in the Academy he was something of a pervert. One day his team was sent to a mission in Cloud and, long story short, pissed off the wrong kunoichi. She used some sort of electric slap attack on him and that mark has been on his face ever since."

"Wow, remind me not to piss off any girls from Cloud." Kiba said.

"Don't piss off girls, period." Naruto nodded his head in a wise sort of way. "Take it from someone who knows."

"And yet you do it anyway." Shikamaru quipped, dryly.

"Hey!"

Ten minutes later…

"You're on in five…four…three…two…" Rai said from behind the camera.

The red light that signalled that the cameras were rolling came on, music played, and Shino stared unemotionally at the camera.

"Good afternoon," Shino said quietly. "My name is Aburame Shino. The regular anchorman, Nagashima Hakkai, is…sick. Our top story today: perverted author of the Icha Icha series, the Ero-Sannin…"

Off-camera, Watanabe spit out the soda he had been drinking. "'ERO-SANNIN!' WHAT THE HELL! THAT'S NOT WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO SAY! WHO PUT THAT IN THE TELEPROMPTER!"

"Watanabe-san, please calm down. Remember your blood pressure." Soothed Rai.

"…and all women should be wary of the bathouses." Shino said completely unfazed. He was told to read the teleprompter and that's what he was going to do no matter how stupid it was. "This just in, Ebisu is a closet pervert."

"THAT'S NOT NEWS!" screamed Watanabe.

"It's news to me, I didn't know that…" Rai said quietly.

Meanwhile, Chouji, Naruto, and Hinata were in the computer room desperately trying to find the weather map that would show up on the green screen.

"Naruto-kun, w…why did you add that extra s..stuff to the teleprompter?" Hinata asked, as she clicked through several files on the machine.

"Because it was the truth." Naruto replied, absently. "People have a right to know the truth. Chouji have you found anything?"

"No…(munch munch munch)…"

"Chouji! Stop eating and look seriously! Argh! Whatever just throw something up on the screen and hope nobody notices."

"And now over to Shikamaru for the weather." Intoned Shino.

When Kiba panned the camera around, Shikamaru was sleeping standing up in front of the green screen. "What the hell! Akamaru, go wake up Shika." The little dog gave a short bark, launched himself at Shikamaru and bit him on the leg.

"OW!" yelped Shikamaru as he looked down to glare at the dog attached to his leg. "What the hell was that for?"

"Shut up and do the weather!"

"How troublesome." Shikamaru gave one last glare at Kiba and Akamaru before getting on with it. "The weather in our village today will be sunny with lots of nice, fluffly clouds." Shikamaru looked up and noticed that Kiba was trying very hard not to laugh; he could also hear Watanabe ranting. What the heck did he do wrong? He shrugged and continued giving the weather report. "Sunagakure is hot and troublesome as usual with a few clouds, Kiragakure will be rainy and cloudy, Iwagakure and Kusagakure have clear skies, and Kumogakure is cloudy as usual." Kiba was now on the floor clutching his sides and howling; tears streamed down his face, Watanbe was being forcibly restrained by Rai (but just barely). Shikamaru finally turned around to see what the hell causing such a commotion and wished he hadn't. Where the weather map was supposed to be was a nice collage of pictures of Shikamaru in his underwear from the Voodoo Debacle. "AAAAGHH! WHAT THE HELL! NARUTOOOOO!"

Trying very hard to contain himself, Kiba switched the camera back to Shino who was regarding Shikamaru with a raised eyebrow. He coughed when Shikamaru glared at him and went back to reading the news.

Naruto, Chouji, and Hinata had been banished to the feed room. Watanabe decided to put the three of them in the there completely unaware that none of them had any technical aptitude whatsoever.

"Hokage-sama has announced that all chuunins and juunins must have an updated copy of the bingo book in case they run into nukenins. Also, spouses are no longer permitted to report their husbands as nukenins until they have been missing for at least a week while not on a mission." Shino said. "And now here's Tomai with a special report from Kirigakure…"

In the feed room, they gennins were trying to figure out how to switch from the feed in the Konoha studio to the feed in Kiri.

"Well, at least that went okay." Muttered Watanabe.

"Umm…Watanabe-san." Rai ventured. "Why is the 'On-Air' sign blinking like that?"

Naruto suddenly came tearing out of the feed room followed by Chouji and Hinata, all three looked frantic.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" screamed Naruto.

The occupants of the room blinked stupidly before a gigantic fireball erupted from the room they had just exited.

"AAAARRRGHHH!" raged Watanabe and started cursing the gennins and Shikamaru.

All across Konoha people watched as the news set went up in flames and the crew rushed around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to put out the fire. Strangely enough, ratings were the highest they'd ever been for the news portion of the broadcast day.

"Gah, look out! The flame's climbing the curtains!" yelled Rai.

"Where's the fire extinguisher!" wailed Hinata.

"We used them all yesterday trying to put out the fire in the kitchen, remember?" Kiba answered. "Call the fire department!"

"YOU KIDS ARE DEAD! YOU HEAR ME! DEAD!" screamed Watanabe.

"Open the window and let some of the smoke out!" suggested Naruto.

"The window's fake you idiot!" Shikamaru scowled, after ripping down the curtains and stomping on them to put them out.

"Ack! The desk's burning!"

"Suiton Daibakufu no Jutsu!"

The wall closest to the door exploded as the water pipes erupted and drenched the room and everyone in it. On the upside, the fire was out and nobody died.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto sputtered. Said jounin walked nonchalantly into the room followed by the agitated Kurenai and Asuma.

"We can't leave you guys alone for one minute, can we?" sighed Kakashi in a disappointed tone.

"Shut up Kakashi!" growled the wet rookies.

Can the shinobi get through one day without something burning and/or somebody being traumatized? Are the jounins back for good? Will the Hokage take the damage to the studio out of their pay or will they chalk it up to…accidents? Is a lawsuit pending due to Ebisu's perversion being exposed on live television? And what of Team Gai? Have they got any role in this story at all? Stay tuned and see.


	6. Chapter 6

Boot upside your head!

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

"Are they loony? After what happened yesterday I didn't think they'd want us anywhere near the television studio!" Ino gasped. "Well…not _you_ guys anyway." She added. Those that were at the studio yesterday glared at her.

"Well it's all water under the bridge now." Shrugged Asuma.

"You mean water in the newsroom…" Kiba mumbled.

Despite the damages to the news studio and the aneurism suffered by Watanabe, the assistant station manager still asked for them back because, quite frankly, they couldn't get anyone else.

"So what are we going to be doing today?" asked Sakura.

"Apparently, commercials." Kurenai said.

Surprisingly, they found themselves in the presence of Miharu once more.

"Hi!" she practically lit up the entire room with her smile. "I didn't think I'd see you again!"

"You're not going to make me wear a dress again are you?" twitched Sasuke.

"You mean you don't want to?" blinked Miharu and she cocked her head to one side. "But you looked so cute?"

"Err.." coughed Asuma, before the situation could progress into something dangerous. "Can we see the scripts for the commercials we'll be doing?"

An hour later…

"All right, places everyone!" Miharu smiled from the director's seat. "Lights!"

"Rukas Commercial, take one." Yawned Shikamaru as he snapped the clapboard in front of the camera.

"Cue music!" barked Miharu; Kakashi gave her the thumbs up from the sound booth. "Camera!" Asuma nodded. "Aaand…action!"

The lights came up on a set made up like a typical Konoha street. Sasuke was dressed up like a noodle vendor and stood behind a prop counter set up in the middle of the set. Naruto, Kiba and Chouji were sitting in front pretending to order. Then the lyrics to the music playing in the background kicked in.

You keep sayin' you've got somethin' for me 

_Somethin' called love, but confess._

Ino and Sakura walked in from the right side of the set wearing white baby doll tee shirts under leather jackets, leather mini skirts, and thigh high boots. Once they

_You've been meesin' where you shouldn'ta been messin'_

_And now someone else is gettin' all your best._

As the two passed the stall all the boys leaned over to look up their skirts. Both girls suddenly turn around and kick Naruto and Chouji in the head before rounding on Kiba.

These boots are made for walkin', and that's just what they'll do 

_One of these days these boots are gonna walk right over you_.

"Cut!" yelled Miharu.

"Why hit only us!" whined Kiba.

"Yeah! Sasuke was looking too!" moaned Naruto.

"No I wasn't." lied Sasuke.

"Ah! You crushed my chips!" cried Chouji.

"We'll crush more than that if you try that again!" yelled Ino and Sakura.

"People, people! Focus!" barked Miharu. "Let's try this again…" she glanced at Shikamaru.

"Right…(sigh) Rukas Commercial, take two."

"Action!"

Two minutes later…

SLAP! "KIBA!"

"OW! I don't care it was worth it!"

"DIE!"

SLAP! WHACK! POW! BAM!

"Ino, Sakura, please stop killing my student."

"Let's try this again…"

"Rukas Commercial, take three…"

Five minutes later…

"Cut." A bored voice called.

"Hey! No fair Hatake-san _I'm_ supposed to yell 'cut'!" Miharu pouted.

"Sorry Miharu-chan." Kakashi said, his eyes doing that 'u' thing when he smiles.

"Miharu-_chan_?" Kurenai raised an eyebrow at him once again for this blatant familiarity. Kakashi shrugged.

"I keep hearing this grinding noise on the track."

"Grinding noise?" parroted Miharu and looked at Asuma. Asuma shrugged and looked at Shikamaru. Shikamaru shook his head and looked at Kurenai. Kurenai blinked and looked at Hinata. Hinata blushed slightly and looked at Shino. Shino…well we can't really tell what Shino did but he looked in Ino's general direction. Ino frowned and looked at Sakura. Sakura cocked her head to the side and looked at Sasuke. Sasuke glared and looked at Naruto. Naruto stuck his tongue out at Sasuke and looked at Kiba. Kiba put his hands up in a placating manner and looked at Chouji. Chouji didn't notice any of this and continued munching from his bag of chips.

"CHOUJI!" everyone else groaned.

"What?" blinked Chouji.

"Now that that's taken care of, let's try once again."

"Rukas Commercial, take four. So troublesome…"

"Cut!" yelled Sakura before they even got started.

"What now?" moaned Miharu.

"I need to go to the bathroom."

"All right, we'll break for lunch and then try again."

After lunch…

"Okay, is everybody ready now?" Miharu asked. Nods all around. "Perfect. Lights! Cue music!"

"Rukas Commercial, take four and a half." Said Shikamaru.

"Camera! Action!"

Miraculously they made it through the entire commercial without incident.

"Cut! That was excellent! Well done everyone!" clapped Miharu.

"Errr…Yamashita-san?" Asuma tapped the young woman on the shoulder.

"Yes? What is it?"

"Ummm…we ran out of film halfway through."

"AAAAARRRRGHHHH!"

What a shame. All of that hard work gone to waste. Oh well, we got a laugh out of it. More to come, I promise! Oh yeah, and I don't own the song "These Boots Are Made for Walking" and I don't remember who the singer is...so yeah.


	7. Chapter 7

I finally remembered the name of the person who sang "These Boots Are Made for Walking" (it really bugs me when I can't remember stuff). While the latest version of the song is sung by Jessica Simpson that isn't the version that's forever recorded in my memory. No, the singer I was thinking of was Nancy Sinatra who was the original performer way back in the sixties (I first heard the song sometime in 1986). A little music history for you.

Oh, one quick note before I get started. I don't own the commercial in this chapter it's copyright the Bahamas Electricity Corporation (although it's a radio commercial not a television one). It's not verbatim because I can only really remember the end of the commercial…

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

"Wow…I never heard one person swear so much." Whispered Chouji.

"You've obviously never been around the Hokage when she's pissed off." Quipped Shikamaru. "Then again, Naruto comes a pretty close second…"

"I think m…my ears are burning." Mumbled Hinata.

"Ooh… I gotta remember that one…" Naruto chuckled evilly.

"You're taking _notes_!" growled Sakura. She didn't get a reply as Miharu suddenly stopped ranting.

"Okay, I feel better now!" she smiled.

"But…the commercial…" sputtered Sakura. "We spent all that time doing it and we didn't even get the whole thing!"

"No worries, we'll just pick up from where the tape ran out and then splice it together in the editing room. Come on now, let's not waste any more time!"

So once again they did the boot commercial (without incident I may add) and this time they managed to get the whole thing.

"Are we done now." Grumbled Kiba.

"Nope, we still have one more commercial to film today." Miharu said.

"Argh! It took us almost all day to get through the first one!" screamed Naruto.

"We'll just have to make sure you and dog-brain don't screw up then, dobe." Smirked Sasuke.

"What did you say/call me you bastard!" raged Kiba and Naruto.

"P..please don't fight, Naruto-kun, Kiba-kun." Pleaded Hinata.

"Fine, but only because you asked Hinata." Huffed Kiba.

"You'll get yours Sasuke-teme, mark my words." Threatened Naruto.

"Ooh, I'm so scared." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Now that the immaturity quota for the day has been met, can we please get on with this? At this rate I'll miss the Icha Icha Restaurant movie television premier." Three guesses who said this and the first two don't count.

"Of course Hatake-san." Beamed Miharu not the least bit worried about working with a pervert. "All right I need…you, you, aaand you." She pointed to Kurenai, Asuma, and Kiba.

"Eh?" the three blinked.

One costume change, makeup job, and script reading later Kurenai and Asuma are sitting on the couch on the set, which is made up to look like a living room; they were facing the cameras and the television was turned towards them. Kiba was off the set awaiting his cue.

"Here we go everyone!" Miharu chirped. "Lights!"

"Konoha Electricity Corp. commercial, take one." Shikamaru said.

"Camera!" She glanced over at Shino who gave her a thumbs up. "Action!"

Kurenai and Asuma sit on the couch watching TV…and they sit for several minutes and absolutely nothing happens.

"Cut!" yelled Miharu. "The lights are supposed to go out on the set! Who's doing the lighting?"

"Kakashi-sensei's in charge of that." Blinked Sakura. Suddenly they heard a perverted giggle. Team 7, Kurenai, and Asuma sweatdropped knowing perfectly well what that sound meant. "Dammit Kakashi-sensei! Put away the stupid book or so help me I'll burn it!"

"Now that that's sorted out…" she looked at Shikamaru.

"Konoha Electricity Corp. commercial, take two." Shrugged the chuunin as he clapped the clapboard.

"Aaand…action!"

Once again Kurenai and Asuma sat on the couch pretending to watch TV. Ten seconds later, all the lights in the studio cut out _except_ for those on the set.

"Whoops, wrong switch!" And even though no one could see, they could hear the smile in the perverted jounins voice.

"Just turn the lights back on." Groaned Kurenai. "Maybe Shikamaru should do the lights and you take over the clapboard."

"Whatever, I don't care." Shikamaru sighed once the lights were turned back on. Once he and Kakashi finished switching places, filming resumed.

"KEC commercial, take three." Said Kakashi.

"Action!" chirped Miharu.

Asuma and Kurenai resumed pretending to watch television. Ten seconds pass and almost all the lights on the set go off. Just enough are on so you can see Kurenai and Asuma.

"What the…honey did you remember to pay the light bill this week?" Asuma asked.

"Oops! I forgot!" Kurenai somehow managed to sound slightly ditsy.

"You forgot? Well now the food's going to spoil and we're going to have to use the money for junior's birthday present to buy more."

Twenty-seconds of silence and then the sound of a toilet flushing.

"Sorry! I had to go to the bathroom!" Kiba called from off set.

"Cut! Miharu said. "Anybody else need to go before we get started again?" Ino, Hinata, and Sakura rushed off. They didn't come back for half an hour.

"What took you three so long?" Sasuke demanded.

"Yeah, did you fall in or something?" (1) asked Naruto.

"Shut up Naruto! We got lost, that's all!" yelled Sakura, smacking him upside the head.

"All right, all right. Let's get back to work now." Soothed Miharu. "After all, you can't get paid if we don't finish." The three girls rushed back to their places. "Take it from Asuma-san's last line."

"KEC commercial, take four." Yawned Kakashi.

"Action!"

"Well now the food's going to spoil and we're going to have to use the money for junior's birthday present to buy more."

Kiba came walking onto the set wearing oversized, blue pajamas with yellow ducks printed on them.

"Daaaddyyyyy….." he whined, obviously pissed off at having to act like this. The other rookies (save Shino who settled for snickering, Sasuke who smirked, and Hinata who had picked the pajamas in the first place. She was pushing her index fingers together and blushing badly) immediately burst out laughing.

"Cut!" Miharu tried not to laugh and failed.

Naruto and Chouji were leaning against each other trying to catch themselves but would erupt into more laughter whenever they looked at Kiba. Shikamaru was on the ground clutching his stomach. Surprisingly enough, even Akamaru was laughing at him. Hinata hid herself behind the director's chair.

"DAMMIT! YOU GUYS STOP LAUGHING!" yelled Kiba. They didn't. "AKAMARU YOU TRAITOR!" Akamaru barked back at him. "I DO NOT LOOK 'CUTE'!" This caused Kurenai and Asuma to fall off the couch laughing.

An hour after everyone stopped laughing…

"Well now the food's going to spoil and we're going to have to use the money for junior's birthday present to buy more." Said Asuma.

Kiba walked onto the set once again. His keen hearing picked up several snickers but he stoically ignored them (vowing to get revenge later) and said his line.

"Daaaddyyy…the fan cut off and it's too hot! What happeeeeenned." He whined, doing a damn good job of sounding like an annoying little brat.

"Cut! Print! We've got it!" cheered Miharu and then she stopped. "We _did_ get it all didn't we?" she rounded on Shino, glaring. He nodded. She smiled.

"And with plenty of time to watch Icha Icha Restaurant!" Kakashi added.

"You know… it's funny you should mention that…"

Eh? What's this? A cliffhanger! And is Kaori planning on turning this story into a hentai fic? Not bloody likely but she will be indulging a bit more from the crack bucket for the next chapter so stay tuned!


	8. Chapter 8

I have been asked to explain what I meant by "crack bucket." Long story short, it's simply a vast amount of sugar mixed with the hatred for my job and a liberal amount of demented dreams. Pulling inspiration from said bucket results in crack fanfiction like this one. I am not on drugs of any kind (though several of my detractors will say otherwise).

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

"No way in hell!" screeched Ino and Sakura.

"Please!" begged Shun. "We were just going to use some girls from the Public Relations Department, but when they heard about it they all called in sick with…ummm… 'woman problems.'"

"Tough!" Ino and Sakura in stereo again.

To make a long story short, the studio was picked to film the next Icha Icha movie: Icha Icha Mansion and they wanted to advertise for actresses. The girls from P.R. were to dress up like characters from the book and pose for some photographs (tasteful photographs of course but the costumes are, to put it nicely, risqué).

Sakura and Ino (Hinata was out of the question entirely because Hyuuga Hiashi would not only castrate Shun and every male on the premises, but burn down the studio for even thinking of asking Hinata to even look at any of the perverted garments) were asked to take their places.

"I'm begging you!" the assistant manager literally got on his knees. "I'll even ask the Hokage to double your pay!"

"Double?" thought Kakashi casting a quick glance at Naruto. Naruto saw it, and didn't like it one bit.

"Triple!"

"Triple!" echoed Kakashi, grabbing Naruto by the back of his jacket as he tried to run out the door. "Shun-san, might I make a suggestion?"

"Damn you Kakashi!" Naruto yelled.

"Now, now Naruto. It's for the mission." The others could tell the masked jounin was grinning perversely as he looked his student up and down. "Besides, you look good enough to eat!"

Naruto and a kage bunshin were in Oiroke no Jutsu and were wearing matching French maid's uniforms. The skirts were so short that they would probably qualify as handkerchiefs. Naruto had chosen to transform into a red-headed girl with green eyes while the bunshin was the usual blonde sans the whisker marks.

"You're dead Hatake…" growled Naruto swatting Kiba's hands away from his skirt with one hand while he used the other to try and pull it down to a decent level. "And will you cut that out!"

"But I wanna seeee…." Whined Kiba. Naruto, Ino, Sakura, and Kurenai simultaneously twitched and proceeded to beat the crap out of Kiba. Akamaru covered his eyes with his paws.

"That he had coming." Asuma said. Kakashi nodded in agreement and took out his copy of Icha Icha Paradise. Sasuke, Shikamaru, and Chouji just watched Kiba get pummeled and winced when Naruto started to get very vindictive with his high heels.

While Naruto and his kage bunshin did the commercial the rest of the group were taken to another part of the studio.

"Where are we going?" asked Sasuke, a little peeved that he couldn't watch Naruto's humiliation some more.

"Studio Three." Replied Shun. "We need stand-ins for the call-in advice show: Ask a Ninja."

"I know I'm going to regret asking but, why are the regular advice people not here?" Shikamaru inquired.

"Lightning hit the telephone pole outside the studio and they were all electrocuted while taking calls. Then the phones caught fire and they suffered third degree burns. Very tragic."

"…and painful." Added Sakura.

"Hey, where's Kakashi?" blinked Asuma.

"Yes, now pout for me…(click) good…good! Work it! (click, click, click)Make the camera your love slave! (click, click)" Kakshi hopped around like a demented squirrel snapping pictures of Naruto and the kage bunshin in various sexy poses.

"Kakashi-sensei, what happened to the photographer that was just here?" Naruto asked, suspiciously.

"He got an emergency phone call. Now bend over just a little further…(click, click, click, click)Excellent!"

In the broom closet on the fifth floor…

"Help! Somebody let me out of here! I'm claustrophobic and afraid of the dark!"

With the others…

Ring, ring. Ino picked up the call. "Ask a Ninja, what's your damage?" She cocked her head to the side as she listened. "You say you like this guy but you don't know how to tell him?" her eyes narrowed. "It's not Uchiha Sasuke is it? Is it! You tramp! Sasuke-kun is mine! MINE!"

"INO-PIG STOP LYING TO THE CALLERS! SASUKE-KUN IS MINE!"

"YOU WISH FOREHEAD GIRL!"

Sasuke shook his head in annoyance and picked up a call. "Ask a Ninja, state your problem." He listened for a moment. "Itachi! Damn you! Why are you calling here, you murdering bastard!" There was a pause while he listened to the response. "Oh don't worry, I'll kill you soon and solve both of our problems! Count on it!" Sasuke continued to argue with his brother.

"So troublesome. Ask a Ninja, Shikamaru here." He blinked. "Dad!"

"Yeah, I'd like to order the barbecue pork cutlets with rice, red bean soup, sweet buns, salmon rolls.."

"Chouji…" groaned Asuma.

"Huh? Did you want to order something too, Asuma-sensei?"

"Uh..ummm...Ask a Ninja, Hyuuga Hinata speaking." Ninata suddenly got even paler. "N….Neji-niisan!" she squeaked. "I….but I don't…it's not…I know…" Poor Hinata. Who knew that Neji was a regular caller to the Ask a Ninja show (the studio actually has a collection entitled Neji's Best Main House Rants that they show during the slow season).

"…Ask a Ninja." Said Shino. "…No." He hung up.

One might say not many people got helped that session.

With the photo shoot done and the taping over, the group reported back to Shun for their next assignment.

"There's been another…accident." Shun said, not sounding as upset as he should. "When you come in tomorrow head right for Studio One. Don't worry about what you'll be doing you'll be informed in the morning."

"Already I don't like this…" whispered Sasuke. The others (well except for the jounins) were inclined to agree.

What indignity will our heroes be forced to endure next? I'll give you a hint: think young.


	9. Chapter 9

All right, I've put it off long enough. Heeeeere's Neji! Oh yeah, Gai, Lee, and TenTen are in here somewhere too…

Additional note: Monday Sucks is not mine.

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

"What are you guys doing here?" a genuinely surprised Lee asked.

"We should be asking you that." Remarked Naruto. "Last I checked this was our mission, Fuzzy Brows."

Teams 7, 8, and 10 arrived at Studio One that morning to find Team Gai already there.

"Hokage-sama in her infinite wisdom asked my youthful students and I to provide assistance!" boomed Gai. "It seems she feels you do not have the spirit needed to complete this particular part of the assignment!"

"Eh?" blinked Kurenai. "Do you know what's going to happen today?

"But of course! We are the temporary cast for the most youthful show in all of Konoha!" the bowl-cut jounin was practically on fire. "We are going to be on…" he threw the doors to the studio open and the younger shinobis cringed at the sight. "The Happy Funtime Kiddie Show!"

At the Hokage Tower, Tsunade was awakened from her mid-morning nap by the sound of teenagers screaming in anguish. She moaned. Couldn't people be in pain more quietly? She grabbed a random pile of paperwork to use as a pillow and went back to sleep.

"I'm leaving." Sasuke said simply once the screaming had died down.

"You can't leave!" Gai cried.

"I can and I will. A ninja has the right to refuse a mission, right? Well I'm refusing this one."

"Actually, you've been doing this mission since the day we first walked into the studio. This is only one part of an ongoing mission." Kakashi said, reasonably. "You can't reject part of a mission."

"No?" Sasuke glared then turned to his comrades. "All in favor of ditching this mission?" Lee was the only one who didn't raise his hand. "That settles it, we're gone."

"If any of you take one step out of that door I'll tell Hokage-sama and she'll demote you back to the first year of Academy." Threatened Kurenai. The teens flinched. "Think about it: no more missions, no more money, and…Iruka's lectures."

Once again the Hokage was awakened by the sound of young people screaming, only this time it was in terror. "Dammit, who do I have to kill to get some decent sleep around here?"

"All right! We'll cooperate! Just don't send us back to Iruka-sensei!" cried Naruto. "He'd _kill_ me!"

"I don't want to get lectured again." shuddered Shikamaru, who was already reliving the lecture on chuunin decorum from the voodoo incident.

"Glad to hear it." Smirked Kurenai.

"Okay kidssss," A balding man with a lisp said (he said his name was Stan but nobody believed him). "I know you're all very excccited to be here! We're gonna have a ssssuper good time today! Here are your sssscriptsss."

"Yondaime-sama this is mortifying…" grumbled Sakura as she read through the script. "I hope nobody sees us."

"Then they would have to admit to watching the show." Shikamaru pointed out.

"Good point."

"Now that that'ssss done…Kiki!" Stan called. A girl with far too much makeup and a bad tan sauntered in. "Kiki will sssshow you to the dresssssing roomsss."

After going through makeup, wardrobe, and a quick overview of what was going to be happening, the group was finally ready for the taping.

"Ssmiless everyone! Remember, thissss isss a happy placcce!" Stan clapped his hands together. The show's theme song started playing; typical annoying, sugary sweet music that little kids love. Quite frankly it was sickening.

"Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop…" chanted Neji.

"Must resist…urge to….kill…"Sasuke was twitching again.

"Be strong guys, it's almost over." Kiba encouraged

"No, the horror is just beginning." Murmured Shikamaru. Lee was happily singing along to the song and trying to get the others to join him. When the song ended, Shikamaru was proven right.

"Greetings passionate youth of Konoha! Welcome to a special episode of The Happy Funtime Kiddie Show! I am the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha! Maito Gai!" Gai did his trademark pose. "Today is Monday and you know what that means?" he paused. "That's right! We have to sing, The Monday Song! But wait! Where are my Happy Helpers? I need their help to sing this song! Hey! Happy Helpers!"

Chouji, Naruto, and Kiba popped up from behind a bunch of crates; each of them were wearing a pair of overalls. Chouji's were blue, Naruto's were orange, and Kiba's were red.

"There are my Helpers!" Gai enthused. "Kiba-kun, Chouji-kun, Naruto-kun will you help me sing The Monday Song?"

"Mou, Gai-sensei," grinned Kiba. "We have a special new Monday song to sing for you!"

"A special Monday song?" blinked Gai.

"Yeah." Nodded Naruto. A march started up as Shikamaru (wearing grey overalls) popped up next to Chouji.

"What's the worst day of the week that gets us all depressed/ M-O-N, D-A-Y, S-U-C-K-S!" Chouji and Shikamaru sang.

"Here comes more aggravation and a brand new week of stress/ M-O-N, D-A-Y, S-U-C-K-S!" chimed in Naruto and Kiba. "Monday sucks."

"Monday sucks." Agreed Shikamaru and Chouji.

"Monday sucks."

"Monday sucks."

"Forever will it make us want to cry!"

"Cry, cry, scream!"

They all sang the last lines. "Come along and sing this song/ Now get it off your chest/ M-ON, D-A-Y, S…U….C….K…..S!"

The four disappeared leaving a dumbfounded Gai. Stan didn't seem too worried about it. The way he figured it, they could cut all that out in the editing. Gai snapped out of his stupor and chased the quartet down so they could sing the song properly. The next bit involved a lesson in colors featuring Sakura in a rabbit costume and a vegetable garden. However, somebody thought it would be a good idea to replace the rabbit costume with a Playboy Bunny outfit.

"Kakashi, put it back." Glared Kurenai.

"You never let me have any fun." Pouted Kakashi.

"My rival how could you even think of having your student wear such a humiliating outfit!" Gai accused.

"Pot calling the kettle black…" muttered Neji. The other boys (sans Lee who was just as appalled as Gai) snickered at that.

Once Sakura had the proper costume on they were ready to begin.

"Hi kids! I'm Usa-chan and I love vegetables so much I decided to grow my own!" Sakura was forcing herself to smile as she recited the cheesy lines. "Let's see what's ready to be picked!" she bent down and picked up a bundle of carrots. "Ooh, carrots! Hey kids, what color are these carrots?" she paused. "That's right, carrots are orange." She put the carrots down. "What else…Aha! Tomatoes! What color are tomatoes?" another paused. "Yes! Tomatoes are red!" she put the tomatoes down and picked up a head of lettuce. "And what color is the lettuce? (pause) Green! Yes! Oh you kids are so smart!" she put the lettuce down and hunted around for the next vegetable, corn, but couldn't find any. "Hey, where's the corn?" An ear of corn suddenly whizzed across the stage and hit her on the back of the head. "AWP! WHO DID THAT!" She heard Ino cracking up offstage. "YOU'RE DEAD INO-PIG!" she picked up a tomato and threw it. SPLAT!

"AUGH! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT FOREHEAD GIRL!" shrieked Ino and hurled another ear of corn at Sakura-bunny. It would have continued if Shikamaru hadn't used Kagemane no Jutsu to restrain the girls.

Up next was story time and Stan made the mistake of letting Neji tell the story.

"Hello kids. I'm Hyuuga Neji and today I'm going to tell you the story of The Main House Birds and the Branch House Birds."

"Dammit Neji we already heard this story during the Chuunin Exam!" yelled Naruto.

"Silence infidel!" roared Neji causing everyone else to blink stupidly. "Now where was I…Ah yes… Once upon a time in a gigantic tree there lived a family of white birds. They were prized in all the land as the most beautiful birds in all the land and everyone would come to the tree to watch and be amazed. However, the birds had a terrible secret. Some of the birds were thought that they were better than the others and divided the tree so that they would get the higher branches with the nicer fruit while the rest were confined to the lower branches and forced to eat worms and the not-so nice fruit. The birds in the upper branches would torture the birds on the lower branches and subject them to constant ridicule… Until one day. One day the birds on the lower branches got tired of the unfair treatment and rose up in a massive united front to overthrow the evil birds!" Neji jumped up and stood on the chair he was sitting on and threw the book that he was supposedly reading at Hinata.

"Eek!" squeaked Hinata as she dodged.

"They pecked out their eyes and tore their wings and demanded that the curse seal be removed! Hiashi quivered in fear at the might of the Branch House! No more would they be slaves to the tyrannical Main House!"

"Damn, there he goes again." TenTen sighed. "Lee, go get the Clown Hammer…"

"How long is he going to keep ranting like that?" Asuma asked.

"Another hour if you let him." Lee came back and handed TenTen a gigantic mallet. "Thanks Lee." She leapt into the air and brought the mallet down on Neji's head. The Hyuuga made a goofy face before collapsing in an undignified heap on the stage. "Err…The End?" TenTen said sheepishly before dragging Neji off the set.

Stan decided to keep the footage for the Neji's Main House Rants archive, then asked Kakashi to do story time. He quickly changed his mind when the jounin started to read from Icha Icha Paradise Vol. 19: Icha Icha Hot Tub Party. So, the job of reading the story was given to TenTen.

Following that, was a skit involving Sasuke, several apple pies, and fractions (at the end of the skit all the pies were gone and Chouji was looking strangely satisfied), next was Lee and Gai who got to sing about the joys of friendship (and then proceeded to blubber all over each other in a disgusting display of brotherhood)

Finally it was over and they could all go home.

"Now don't you all feel good about yourselves!" enthused Gai, as high on life as ever.

"Yosh! The youth of tomorrow will surely be inspired by our performance today!" cheered Lee.

"Lee! Truer words were never spoken!"

(And because it would be weird if I didn't mention it…)

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

(All right that's enough of that.)

Two boxes soared through the air and smacked both Gai and Lee in their bowl-cut heads. Everyone looked over to see Neji growling like a wild animal.

"We had to do that stupid kids' show, I'll be damned if I have to listen to that too."

Are you lot happy now? You got your precious Hyuuga.


	10. Chapter 10

Man I love The Boondocks…

The Shinobi's Guide to Television  
By Kaori

"What's this about a fundraiser?" blinked Asuma.

"We do it every year." Shun explained. "During sweeps week we have a telethon to raise money to run the studio. The problem is, this year we're short of talent acts."

"He's making us his circus monkeys now?" sighed Neji.

"I've got news for you, we've been his monkeys ever since we started filling in here." Grumbled Naruto.

"You've been a monkey since the day you were born." Quipped Sasuke.

"What was that bastard!"

Tsk, deaf and stupid. How I pity you."

"Why must you two always argue? It's so troublesome." Shikamaru said. "We've already been making a spectacle of ourselves, what's one more time?"

"Speak for yourself." Huffed Ino. "The kids' show was one thing, but this is something everyone will see. We'll be the laughing stock of the whole village."

"How do you figure that?" Chouji asked, as he finished off his bag of chips. "I mean, it's not like we have to sing and dance and wear funny hats, right?"

"Only if you can and want to." Shun reassured them. "Now please follow me into the studio."

This one was bigger than the others, naturally. There had to be room for the stage, cameras, and the tables and chairs where the people taking the calls were. Surprisingly, Jiraiya was standing in the studio waiting for them.

"Ero-sannin! Why are you here?" exclaimed Naruto. "OW!"

"I told you not to call me that, you brat!" growled Jiraiya and hit him again.

"OW! And just what was that for!"

"That one was for telling everyone I'm a pervert on national television."

"The world has the right to know, Pervy-sensei!" This earned him another smack upside the head. "Hey! Quit it or you're gonna give me brain damage."

"Too late…" murmured Sakura.

"Anyway, I'm here to help out at this telethon!" announced Jiraiya. "And you're going to assist me!" he pointed at Naruto and then dragged him off somewhere.

"Let me go! I don't wanna!" shrieked Naruto. "Help! Help! I'm being kidnapped by a pervert!" He was widely ignored.

"He'll be fine." Kakashi said.

"N…Naruto-kun…" Hinata fidgeted, desperately wanting to go after her crush.

"So, Sasuke, what are you going to do?" asked Ino.

"Che, I'm not going to humiliate myself on TV…" he blinked realizing what he said and amending it. "…again."

"Hey, being a shinobi isn't all glamorous." Asuma said.

"That's right!" Gai agreed. "Sometimes one must do things that one does not like on their path towards greatness! However, the Power of Youth will sustain you and strengthen you so that you can shine even through the most demeaning task!" Mass sweatdropping and one excited Lee followed.

The ninjas were asked to wait in the green room until they called for acts. Surprisingly, Naruto and Jiraiya weren't anywhere to be found. Jiraiya missing was nothing new but when he was in Konoha and out of the sight of respectable/responsible people it was a bit unnerving but only because you could figure out where he was. Naruto missing made you outright nervous and the longer he was out of sight, the more you felt like your sanity was in peril. Both of them missing at the same time was downright terrifying.

Kakashi was the only one not worried. His perverted senses were tingling which meant that something interesting would happen in the future.

Kiki, the girl who was assisting with the kids' show yesterday, poked her head in. "Eerrr, Akimichi Chouji? You're on in five minutes." Chouji hastily put away his chips.

"All right, I'd better go get changed!" and he hurried off. Kiki followed behind him. The remaining persons turned their attention to the television set so they could watch. All were interested in seeing what their friend would do.

Chouji stood on the stage wearing a simple kimono and behind him, was a gigantic taiko drum.

"I didn't know Chouji could play." Blinked Asuma.

"That's because you're always too busy with Shikamaru." Huffed Ino. "All you know about Chouji is his love of food."

"Geez, am I the only jounin instructor that doesn't play favourites!" exclaimed Kurenai.

"Oh please, like you don't favour Hinata over Kiba and Shino." Asuma snorted. Gai however, was a bit upset by Kurenai's accusation.

"I don't play favourites with my students." he looked at Neji, TenTen, and then Lee. "Do I?'

"Gai-sensei, we're actually glad that you train Lee more than us." TenTen said flatly. Neji nodded in agreement. Gai frowned.

"I appreciate you trying to make me feel better TenTen, but it has become clear that I have been more of a teacher to Lee than to you and Neji. As such, I vow to correct my most egregious mistake by training each of you personally at least once a week! If I don't do that I shall teach you one-on-one twice a week! And if I don't do that…"

Neji and TenTen glared at Kurenai.

"Now look what you've done." Intoned Kakashi.

"Errmm…uhhh…." Kurenai fumbled. "Oh! Chouji's quite good, isn't he?"

Chouji was actually a very talented taiko drummer, so good that the phones didn't ring through his entire performance. When he finished, however, the phones all rang simultaneously and the telethon staff rushed to answer them.

"You were awesome Chouji!" grinned Shikamaru, feeling very proud of his best friend. "Where did you learn to play like that?"

"My granddad taught me. He used to play at all the daimyo's parties." Beamed Chouji.

"I hate to break up the love fest." Kiki interrupted. "But, Hyuuga Hinata, you're on."

"EEP!"

Hinata's talent, surprisingly, was impressions (not turning into other people with a henge but actual impressions; voices and everything). Well, surprising to everyone except Kurenai of course. She had noticed Hinata would imitate other people when she thought no one was looking. Her favourite was when Hinata would do her vocal impression of Kakashi. So far she had done Lee and Iruka, and now she was doing her impression of Sasuke.

"I do not sound like that." Grumbled Sasuke.

"You mean like a pompous ass?" quipped Shikamaru. "Yeah, you do."

"Do you want to die that badly, Nara?"

"There will be no killing today." Said Kakashi.

"Damn." Neji pouted. Everybody raised an eyebrow at that but their expressions changed to surprise when Hinata came running back into the room very red in the face and on the verge of fainting from utter embarrassment. Kiki came in behind her at a more sedate pace.

"Hatake Kakashi, you're on." Kiki said, as she scribbled something on a clipboard.

Kakashi only got through the first two words of Icha Icha Camping before he was forcibly removed from the stage.

"Nobody appreciates great literature anymore." He pouted. Kurenai, mustering up all the grace and ladylikeness she could, refrained from slapping him (but just barely, next time the kid gloves come off).

"What great literature?" she hissed.

Ino was up next (she recited a poem declaring her love of Sasuke), followed by Shikamaru (with a very interesting shadow puppet show depicting his version of the third part of the chuunin exams).

"Kiba and Akamaru, you're on." Yawned Kiki.

To the viewers at home, it looked like it was going to be just another dog act (the ones where the trainer has the dog do tricks), how wrong they were. Akamaru gave commands and Kiba did the tricks.

Akamaru sat on a stool so that he was level with the camera, Kiba standing on his right.

"Arf!" barked Akamaru. Kiba did a handstand. "Arf!" Kiba (still in the handstand) took out a kunai and threw it at a target that had been set up on the far end of the stage. He missed the centre by a few inches. "Arf!" Kiba did a neat flip and landed on his feet. "Arf!" Kiba bowed and picked up Akamaru and was about to leave the stage when the lights went out.

"What the hell!" somebody yelped.

A spotlight suddenly illuminated the stage and standing in it was…

"OROCHIMARU!"

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" started to play as the snake sannin started dancing and moon walking across the stage. Halfway through, Kabuto appeared out of nowhere, through a robe around Orochimaru's shoulders and led him off stage (think James Brown). When he was almost out the door, Orochimaru threw the robe off and started dancing again. When the song ended, they both disappeared.

"Okaay…" blinked Ino.

"That was disturbing." Asuma said.

"And yet, rather entertaining." Added Kurenai.

"Is he gone?" Sasuke shivered from his hiding place.

"Yes Sasuke he's gone." Kurenai replied. "Now please remove your hands from Hinata's posterior before Neji decides to kill you."

Sasuke blinked and flexed his hands. Hinata squeaked and turned even redder than she already was. Sasuke looked at his hands (planted very nicely on Hinata's hips), looked over at Neji who looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel, and then back at his hands (and consequently Hinata's butt).

"Why doesn't he ever touch _me_ like that?' Ino and Sakura thought simultaneously.

"Uuuuchiiiiiiihaaaaaa…." Growled Neji. Sasuke coughed and jumped away from Hinata. Neji was not satisfied and preceded to beat the vengeance-loving crap out of Sasuke.

Despite S-class criminals and the battle raging backstage, the show continued. Shino was shoved on stage and stood there staring at the camera for five minutes. Then he got the goofiest look on his face. Disco music started playing and then (in a damn good imitation of Barry White) sang his version of "Can't Get Enough of Your Love Baby". The women were eating it up. Kurenai was fanning herself, Ino and Sakura were drooling, and Hinata looked like she was going to die (but that might be because she wasn't quite over Sasuke grabbing her ass yet).

"Damn Shino always stealing my spotlight!" raged Kiba.

"Hey, who's the next act?" asked TenTen.

Elsewhere…

"Kukukuku…" snickered Orochimaru.

"Stop that! It's really creepy when you do that!" whined Kabuto.

"Sorry, I can't help myself." 'Orochimaru' disappeared into a cloud of smoke and when it cleared Jiraiya was standing there. 'Kabuto' did the same revealing Naruto. "Oh well, we should be getting back to the others. They're probably wondering what we've been up to."

"Knowing them, they probably think you've been out peeping."

"Crap! I'm missing out on some serious research time!" and with that, he was gone.

"Damn that perverted old man…" growled Naruto. "He knows I can't leave here or Tsunade will have my neck for abandoning a mission."

Back to the green room where Gai and Lee were just coming off the stage after performing their rather…disturbing magic act; the bulk of which involved Lee pulling things out of Gai's spandex suit (Kami-sama only knows how or _why_). It was even creepier when Lee pulled out Neji who collapsed into a fit of spastic twitching. They had to force Sasuke to grab Hinata again to snap him out of it.

"Gather round everyone!" Shun clapped his hands happily. "It's time for the Grand Finale!"

"What Grand Finale?" blinked Kurenai.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? We're gathering all the performers on stage for a send off number."

"EEEEHHH!" everyone exclaimed.

"Relax all you have to do is stand on the platform and wave while the band plays."

So everyone was lined up according to height (the tallest people would go on first and stand in a row, the next tallest following to stand in front of them and so on) and waited for the musical cue.

"Why do I get the feeling this is going to end badly?" Muttered Shikamaru.

"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" snapped Ino. "Try thinking positive for once!"

"All right, I'm positive that this is going to end badly."

"Please, how could this possibly get any worse?" TenTen shrugged.

Now, the denizens in our dimension have watched enough television to know that under no circumstances should you ever utter those words because the Powers That Be will instantly home in on you and smite you with, for lack of a better term, worse.

To be honest, all seemed to be going smoothly. They all managed to get up on the stage and it held. The band played, they smiled and waved at the cameras, it was almost over. And then…

"What's that rumbling noise?" Asuma asked.

Everything stopped. No one spoke or said anything as they tried to determine the direction the noise was coming from. All eyes zeroed in on the eastern wall…

CRASH! A twenty-foot, yellow and blue toad came bursting through the wall, consequently causing part of the ceiling to collapse. Not letting something so trivial stop it, the toad continued on its way. Briefly, the observers caught a glimpse of very familiar white hair.

"ERO-SANNIN YOU PERVERT!" Naruto screamed, immediately guessing what was happening. He was proven correct when several be-towelled women rushed by in the toad's wake demanding revenge. Those remaining in the studio had no time to worry about this as the rest of the ceiling started to come down on their heads.

"It sucks being right all the time." Sighed Shikamaru, and that was the last thing anybody heard for a while.

Several hours later, at Konoha hospital, The Twelve Disciples (snicker) and their sensei's awoke to see the Hokage staring at them expectantly.

"Well, I'm glad to see you're all conscious. You're all lucky to be alive considering an entire building fell on you."

"I'll get you for this Ero-Sannin." Growled Naruto.

"You'll be out in two days Naruto, you'll get your chance then. In the meantime, you all get some rest."

Naruto actually got out of the hospital the following day and, true to his nindo, ran out and sought revenge on Jiraiya for himself, his comrades, and the beautiful young women of the village. It involved several pairs of pantyhose, a pair of tongs, and a depraved walrus.

A week and a half later, the others were let out of the hospital and they, too sought revenge on Jiraiya. This time it was your standard nin on nin violence. Naturally, Naruto got in on this too.

Orochimaru got funny looks from his subordinates for days before he finally decided to…erm…ask one of them (i.e. pull one of them at random and experiment on him until he squealed) what the deal was. Surprisingly, he wasn't angry, just very upset that he didn't get the chance to do it himself.

The television studio was utterly demolished but some good did come of this. In the rubble, was found the cause of the accidents and improbable rash of bad luck. Apparently a disgruntled employee had not relinquished his voodoo kit and was getting his revenge that way instead of simply stealing office supplies like a sane human being.

Six months later…

"I have a new mission for you…"

Bum bum buuummm!

This may be the end of this story, but the Shinobi's Guide saga is not over yet!


End file.
